


To show the love I meant to say

by prettyskylark



Category: Smash (TV)
Genre: F/M, brief mention on what happened between derek and karen but no worries it's small, smash 2x14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 23:37:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5435093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyskylark/pseuds/prettyskylark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek does some reflecting after coming home that day. On what truly matters.<br/>Reaction fic to 2x14.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To show the love I meant to say

**Author's Note:**

> this episode. goddamnit. so many emotions. at one hand- happy, because golden divy scenes, but also tear my heart out of my chest because well. this episode. thanks for reading btw. I know I'm late to the party, watching the show 2 years after it ended but it's just so good and I have so many feels. and this ship. ugh.

His apartment felt as empty as ever and even a glass, or four, of scotch wouldn’t, couldn’t offer him any consolation.

Derek has never considered himself a sentimental person. But there were things even he couldn’t ignore and a sudden death of someone he knew, someone _he worked with not even 24 hours ago_ , was definitely one of those things. He didn’t expect the news to hit him as hard as they did but something about the grief, subtle and delicate, like a layer of black satin setting over the theatre, made him open his eyes. He looked around and realized all of this could be gone in a second. All of his friends, although he definitely didn’t have many, his colleagues, all the people he didn’t despise, which in Derek’s mind already meant a lot, wouldn’t be here forever.

_Sorry, that’s the word I want to sing to you_

_The other word is stay_

_To hear the love I meant to say_

Jimmy might be an asshole but the death of Kyle definitely hurt him the most, and the way he sang the song with his heart on the sleeve, emotions raw, honest and out there, made Derek truly understand the meaning behind the lyrics. He had looked over at the girl standing to his right. The girl who had put on hold her dream for the night, for him. The girl who had been there for him, no matter how hard he had hurt her. The girl who might not be there the next day.

_What happened with us?_

He didn’t know what came over him. The old Derek would never put himself out there like that, would never ask a question so honest, so emotional. But he was tired, and a part of him was also scared. Maybe not of the answer, but of never finding out. Maybe he was finally understanding what was important. And to him, she was.

Karen’s name was mentioned and he had almost laughed out loud. The moment between them had flashed somewhere at the back of his mind and he’d suddenly felt so stupid. How could he have wasted so much time on a artistic fascination? They could have slept together, sure. But the more seconds had passed, the more both of them had realized how wrong everything felt, how the spark just wasn’t there. How they both had wished they had been with someone else at that moment.

_I was at her apartment the whole of last night, and I slept on the couch. Because of you._

_Because I love you._

It was almost funny, in a bitter way, how easy it was to toss these words out there almost a year ago, when he may had said them only to appease her and not now, now that he understood what they truly meant. He had just said them, then slept with another woman, like it didn’t matter. And yet, she didn’t hate him, even though she had every right to. For some reason, she stayed. If only Derek knew how to make her stay for good. If only he was brave enough.

If it had happened a year ago, maybe she’d be knocking on his door, as she once used to, drunk and filled with regret and at his mercy. He hadn’t taken her seriously back then. But now she didn’t give all the heart, she grew up, and so did he, in a way. Too bad he hadn’t realized it in time.

Limbs heavy with intoxication and exhaustion, he dragged himself upstairs and collapsed onto the bed. He understood her decision. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe Ivy was right, too. Maybe that’s just who he was. He didn’t deserve love, didn’t know how to _do_ love.

_Would you really do that for me?_

_I would._

God, for Ivy he would learn how to.


End file.
